Second First Post

I really had to call this the second first post as it is such a long time when I started this blog. It feels like I am coming anew to this. I still feel a bit lost not knowing how things really work here. But never mind, I can write and that is what I really want to do although it is so very difficult to start properly. I have done quite a bit of writing in my life and it has always been very difficult to start.

My first attempt at starting this blog was in February when I was feeling very low. I suppose my idea then was to pour my heart out here and get some relief that way. You see, I do not have anyone I can really confide in. I sometimes wonder if it is something in me that prevents me from getting very close to anyone.

I do have three children and I love them dearly. My youngest, who only recently moved away from home, still spends at least one night a week here. This week it will be two nights. My oldest telephones me almost every day, sometimes more than once. It is not to check on me, but often to run things by me before deciding anything. Sometimes it is just to chat. I usually see her two or three times a year. My middle one contacts me sometimes and visits me sometimes.  I last saw him a couple of months ago when he came to visit with his new girlfriend. All three spend some time here between 20th December and the beginning of January, sometimes the whole of that time, with or without their various friends and partners. My oldest is coming for a few days this September.

I moved to this house in this little country village about six years ago with my youngest. We knew some people in the area so thought we would not be lonely. We did have and still do have contact with them occasionally. My youngest made friends at school, more at college and now at the university. She has fully integrated into the life here. She now lives with her boyfriend in a town near here, nearer her university.  She also still has friends where we used to live and visits them sometimes.

My life was taken by the work on the house. I have replaced joists, pulled down walls, built walls, done bricklaying, etc. etc. etc. Until very recently I was always wearing dusty and dirty work clothes. I suppose when I got the living room floor finished (pulled out the old and replaced it with the new) I had finished with the most dirty part of the work. Well, for now anyway. There is still the cellar to do and that is going to be filthy work. Since the living room floor last November – December and the wall panelling this past spring I have been having a break. I did start walling in the downstairs toilet after finishing the living room wall, but have not finished it yet. I need to buy some tongue and groove pine panelling to do some of the walls. I have some pieces of glass that I took down from elsewhere in the house which I am going to use as windows. I have never put in windows from just panes of glass so I keep putting it off. I had a plumber put in the toilet inside a big room at the back. I just have to get it walled in, so that it is not a part of this big room. So, my life is still taken up by the work on the house although I am not doing it all the time any longer. And I am not dressed in dirty filthy rags all the time any longer.

Over these years that I have been working on the house I have become more and more like a hermit, but without any religious connotations as I am an atheist. I suppose it all came to a head last autumn and winter. I had many practical problems to do with the house. The winter was very cold and the house was cold. The main problem, however, was that I felt so incredibly lonely. I had no one to share my problems with. For years I had been alone and made all the decision alone. I had had no one to discuss any of them with. I did share some things with my children, but only very superficially. I do not want them to feel guilty or responsible for my loneliness. I do not want to burden them. They have their own lives to live. So what I am going to do here is to tell my life story.

I want to end this post with a positive note. I am not as depressed at the moment as I was last winter. I have been working on getting out of that funk for the past few months. One of the things that made me really take some action, small but action nevertheless, was the fact that I had been getting fatter. Over the winter I ate a lot of sweet things, donuts, chocolate, sweets. All vegan, of course, as I am a vegan. It is possible to eat unhealthily on a vegan diet. I have proved it. Anyway, at some point my stomach was so big that I had to notice it. Also I was finding it harder to walk, getting out of breath easily. Had to do something. I joined a tai chi class. That lasted all of two lessons. Mainly because the teacher was not very good. I bought a few books and a couple of dvds on tai chi thinking that I’ll do it myself. That has not happened. However, I do intend to take it up at some point. I have been doing other exercises. I go up and down the stairs in the house quite a number of times in a day. I do some exercises every morning. When I catch a bus I walk a couple of stops before catching it.

I have also made an effort to get more social. One of the first things I had to do for that was to get my teeth sorted. One of my front teeth had been missing for a couple of years. I always felt very conscious about it. I could never smile or laugh freely. I had that sorted a  couple of months ago and what a difference that has made. Then I started making an effort to meet people.  It has been an effort as I had got to a stage where I was afraid of meeting anyone. I was like this once before in my life. I got over it then and was determined to get over it now. I am not completely over it yet but it is not such a big effort any longer.

So things are looking up. I am not such a cry baby (61 year old!!!) any longer. And I am beginning to feel slightly lighter. I am not weighing myself all the time, but all the walking up and down the stairs must be doing something, not to mention not eating sweet things so much. I am not going to deny myself sweets. I had some chocolates last Sunday and some donuts last week when my daughter came over. And writing always makes me feel good.


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